Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Sex - part one

OK, the great subject most of us prefer not to talk about, including me!

Jeez it's hard to talk about sex - it feels like it's my business and actually I'm starting to think it is really.

I worked out I have had sex approx 2500 times (so far) with six different women (so far) and from that I have fathered six kids. In 1972 a fortune teller in Old Delhi told me I would father seven kids - it's looking unlikely.

The other day I spoke to one of the girls I had sex with, and guess what, she couldn't bloody well remember it (cue uproarious laughter, and wondering if any of the other five can either). Let me tell you that both times we had sex, we were both very drunk indeed. I remember climbing out of her college bedroom window in the early hours, as at that time they were doing spot checks on the girls rooms. The other time we were both in a single sleeping bag under the stars mmmmmmmmmmmmm. I do have to admit that neither occasion is memorable for the quality of the action.

At the same college one of my friends hid a girl under the blankets and survived a spot check from the sex police - eeeeeeee what a laugh we had in those far off days.

My early life is more memorable for the girls I should have had sex with rather than the ones I did have sex with. It is a long and illustrious list! I blame my catholic upbringing for burdening me with this idea that one at a time is enough. Amazingly, I have always been faithful to the woman I am with - should I be proud of that, or am I just pathetic.

Once I worked for this very attractive and very rich lady. She and her husband, who was a huge gangster type guy, ran several sex clubs in London. One day I was working on the pond in the garden when she came up and started coming on to me. She was pretty hot, and could really turn on the charm. It's a bit like when you are gonna die I guess - your whole life runs through your mind in a flash at that point. This could be my best opportunity ever or the dumbest thing I ever did, and jeez, I'd surely get killed if I did it. She must have thought I was the most crap guy she had ever met - I didn't even take it when it was offered on a plate. In fact I'm surprised she didn't have me killed for that! Phew - I can remember those moments real strong.

I got paid £20 cash for four hours work, three days a week, at that place - I thought I'd landed in heaven!

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10 comments:

  1. Similarly, I have had sex 6 times, with 2500 women.

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  2. I notice it was the women who got pregnant and had the six children. This is the problem with 'going beyond feminism'. And now we have a vice-presidential candidate in the US who wants to ban abortion, and if she gets her way American women will be returned to back-street abortions and lives of fear. The consequences of having sex aren't equal are they?

    Most feminists don't need telling they should think about humanity as a whole. They are the first ones who started doing it.

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  3. I certainly hope Gene Simmons finds out that he has been out-done by that Vicus rascal.

    I loved the imagery of scaling College Dorms and drunken, starlit, encounters.
    Ah Youth, those were heady times indeed..
    when every synapse in your brain was dedicated to the primal urge to merge.

    Assuming that you have been sexually active for +/- 35 years, that's about 70X/yr...
    is this how you guesstimated or do you have it written down somewhere?

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  4. Donn, he worked it out by counting the receipts.

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  5. I've had sex approximately 20,000 times, with myself.

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  6. Vicus - I'm talking reality here, not the imaginings of a crazed mind.

    Erica - Now how many more times have I got to say this to you. I love you because you are a human being - it's got nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman. And actually it cuts both ways. The other day my wife asked me,'would I rather be a man or a woman?'. Well, I'd rather be a man - no periods, no babies and no menopause. But would you like to be a man - endless fun with the lads and all that. It's just the way it is - God (or whatever) made it this way, and for sure it was shit for women for a long time, but now you can stand up for yourself, and if any man gets too out of order you can tell them to go fuck themselves, can't you?

    Donn - I worked hard on that calculation, and then I think I got it wrong. That averages out at about having sex once a week - I reckon it's nearer twice that. Of course there were the few barren spells, but in younger days I made up for them.

    Vicus - do you put your receipts down as business expenses?

    Betty - mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!

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  7. Very nice and honest post, Tom. I enoyed reading.

    I know you're curious about it, but I'm neither gonna tell you the number of times I've had sex, nor give you the list of my sex partners. There's not enough room in this blog for that, hahaha.

    Seriously, I don't find it hard to talk about sex -actually I do quite often in my blog, and hey, nothing special happens. I really admire people who write erotic and porn literature -it's not easy to do that-

    And no, I never got paid 20 pounds/4 hours for a special work... man, that's cheap!.

    Any more questions? :))

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  8. Hm... word verification was hooni. Almost.

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  9. So Leni, I come up with a whole trilogy of posts, eventually face my demons and tell all about my sex life, and all to get you to divulge the true facts, and then you won't tell us. Now, that's just not fair!

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