Sunday, January 22, 2006

This blog is crucifying my ego.

Do you know that the average time people stay on this blog is 24 seconds. And don't forget that's the average time, so some people are probably gone in less than ten. Is it really that bad you can make your mind up that quick and be out of here in less time than it takes me to have a pee. I know they don't make time like they used to but 24 seconds - I'm gutted.
I'll tell you what, if you've got this far why don't you just piss off now. I'd hate you to waste any more of your valuable time. And I promise you if my average time gets below 20 seconds I'm pulling the plug on this whole bloody show. Then you'll regret it - you'll never get to see my recipe for tofu stir fry, and that my friends, will be your loss not mine.

Of course I realise that what with one million new blogs worldwide coming on line every week, there's more stuff written than could possibly be read. I think I seriously need to consider whether I want my writings to fall into the relatively new literary category fondly labelled 'worthless blogshite'.

It reminds me of when in 1969, I went for an interview to study sociology at Kent University. I was completely stoned at the time and before the interview I took the opportunity to go for a crap and a top-up smoke. In somewhat of a daze I glanced around the cubicle and there above the loo roll was the statement, 'Sociology degrees - please help yourself'. I cruised the interview and got a really easy offer. Needless to say I don't remember what happened next, but something must have because to this day I have never been near Canterbury again.


  1. Your absence from Canterbury has been a loss to us all.
    What a fine primate you would have made, in the tradition of Becket no doubt.
    And don't knock 20 seconds. Who knows how long Buddha sat under the Bodhi tree - but it was the last 20 seconds that was the best.

  2. To be frank about this Vicus, it's a pity the church didn't offer me the post at Canterbury. They could use a little bit of reality right now. I can't help feeling that a bit of common sense would help revitalise the ever-dwindling congregations. I'd cut out all the religious stuff for a start - get rid of all these concepts about God and try and get the people to switch their focus more onto the Premiership. I know it's dull with the way things are re. Chelsea at the moment but I do think we do all so need to learn the value of not just giving up when things aren't going our way.

  3. I've just done a bit of ironing and eaten a crumpet after leaving this site on, so that should put the average up above 24 seconds.

    You know, you really shouldn't start analysing your stats because what starts off as a feeling of inadequacy (a bit like not being chosen for the school netball/football team at the age of 8) ends up with you becoming bitter and hating everyone who gets 100 plus visitors a day and masses of comments telling them how great their blog is. There is no room for hate in the blogging community which is one big happy family where we all look out for each other, even the ones who have just voted the Conservatives into government in Canada, probably.

  4. Thank you Betty for your kind words and for screwing up my stats. It's a bit too late to save me from bitter and twisted mode - I'm afraid I am hurtling out of control into the all-too-familiar extremely grumpy old man state of existence.
    I am as yet not that au fait with the world of blog so your advice and info on this subject is most welcome. Humility and total insignificance do not come easily to a man of my immense talent, but I guess confronting these experiences head-on in this way will speed up my journey to liberation which after all, can't be a bad thing.

  5. And why would you want to? Visit Canterbury, I mean.

    I had a similar experience with Exeter once. Ended up at the Elephant and Castle instead. God moves in mysterious ways.

    I feel I should just point out that for those of us who've followed the 'Pensioners' since their ill-starred European campaign of 1967, the Premiership is anything but dull right now. In fact we're cockahoop overthemoon there's only one Frankie Lampaaaaaaard about the whole thing. God moves in mysterious ways.

    I'm slipping you a link to cheer you up. Remiss of me not to have done so before.

  6. " out of here in less time than it takes me to have a pee"
    At least they are not using your writings as a virtual urinal.

  7. Tom said:

    "...I'll tell you what, if you've got this far why don't you just piss off now..."

    Well, ok. If you say so.