Monday, January 21, 2008

Scary Moments with Lesbians - No14, an occasional series

Don't get me wrong, I actually like lesbians, I've got loads of pictures of them upstairs (ok, I borrowed that joke from my friend, it's funny isn't it!).
Now the thing is for most of my life I have lived out in the country. While I am looking at the flowers in the hedgerows, all sorts of important modern cultural developments completely pass me by. For example, I remember the exact moment when I realised that Mr Plod wasn't just a really nice chap who was there to keep me safe from baddies and tell me the way to some place when I'm lost. One day the plods came round to our place searching for drugs, ransacked the whole house and generally tried to drive us out of town - I know I was only a kid but I was truly shocked - I was and still am sooooooo naive about stuff like that.
Anyway, back to the lesbians. I was in love with a girl who was an art student in Bath and, desperate to see her, I was hitching a ride to the westcountry. This big old Transit van pulled up, the passenger door opened, a girl got out and I jumped in the back. The floor in the back of the van was covered with mattresses and there was a young kid in there, so I just started talking to her about her toys and it all seemed fine. Then I started to listen to the conversation that was going on up front - my oh my, I'd never heard anything like it before in my life. These two girls so hated men it wasn't true. I started to realise that the way that I viewed girls was just so completely BAD I was gonna be lucky to get out of this van alive.
And then they started to grill me, and I was so scared... I tried my best to let them know that first and foremost I viewed everyone as a human being, but they seemed to just know, and proceed to tell me, that the way I was looking at women was politically totally unacceptable. Oh my, oh my, I was in the shit, trapped in the back of van and being terrorised by two extremely militant man-hating lesbians.
Well, I am quite lucky in a way, in that I am quite good at smarming my way out of difficult situations, and after a while I managed to charm my way into their well buried hearts. They pulled over in this big layby and let me go. There was a little van there selling refreshments so I got myself a coffee, sat down under a tree, got my tobacco out and had a smoke. A few minutes later I was ready to face the world again. Phew, that was close!!!!


  1. The place I'm working at at the moment has a rather larger than is probably statistically normal ratio of ladies who bat for the other side. It's not comfortable and I can't wait to get away.

  2. This blog has (finally) hit its purple patch, who'd have thought you'd finally find your niche in sixties anecdotes?

  3. Who'd have thought Tom could even remember the sixties?

  4. I will try and use that joke at the next meeting of the LGB group (and transexual, transgender, bi-trousered etc). I'm not sure if it's going to have the same impact coming from a girl, but I'll give it a go.

  5. I know a couple of lesbians and they don't hate men at all. I don't think it's necessarily a prerequisite or we'd all (us women I mean) be bating for the otherside. There's not a woman alive that doesn't regard men as the most irritating species on the planet, but not all the time obviously, sometimes you can be quite lovely. :-)

  6. Have to echo Ziggi's words on the subject.

    There are women who hate men, but then there are men who hate women - it tends to show itself in various ways, from trying to suggest that women *should* be at home looking after kids, to the idea that women are less intelligent than men, right the way through to all sorts of degrading sexist shit and insults to their appearances.

    Shit, who am I kidding? I hate everyone equally, men or women.

  7. Whoa, hang on. I'm not saying I have a problem with lesbians - everyone is a human being as far as I'm concerned, and how the hell does anyone control their sexual preferences anyway - if anyone knows the answer to that I'd be amazed. This post was inspired by a recent friendship I have made with a beautiful (in the sense of a beautiful person) gay girl who is so unfazed by it I just love her to bits.

  8. Tom. Could I try once more to draw your attention to the need to refer to grown-up girls as 'women'. If you don't geddit, think about it. If this doesn't work, a full explanation is given in The Second Sex by Simone de Beauvoir (1949). She was very fond of a number of men of course, including Jean Paul.

  9. ah good, didnt know if that would work. Hello Tom and all, I'm so sorry you've had scary moments with some lezzers, but hey I am one and can assure you I really like men. My 2 closest friends are (straight) men. Actually I think when you listen to some straight women talk they seem to REALLY hate men. You know what, I wouldnt want to work with a load of sensible shoed girlies either - they/we can be a royal pain in the arse. I would have posted here before but didnt want to sound like a groupie of Tom's (I'm such a fan). So there you are, you have a lesbanian groupie! x

  10. Anonymous26/1/08 10:32

    Most of the lesbians I know are only lesbians because they've had really traumatic experiences with lads and so hate their guts. Their only male friends are also gay, and therefore not a threat. They treat me with openly hostile suspicion because I dare to consider men and women as equally untrustworthy (or trustworthy, depending on what mood I'm in). Yeah, they've been unlucky in love, but they're being paranoid weirdos.

    Then again, there are some perfectly lovely lesbians i am friends with who just, well, really fancy women. Women who hate men are just as bad as straights who hate gays, in my opinion. It's incredibly insecure of them, don't you think?

  11. I have been waiting and waiting for you to write a new post, but you haven't done it yet.

    Let me tell you just one thing that i'm afraid you're not gonna like (but you know I do it in the nicest possible way). Please don't get upset at me: In my opinion this has been a very unfortunate post. The starting joke and some assumptions you made are not the most appropriate -always my opinion, I'm not talking about being politically correct or not-.

    Some debate and controversy is nice, but I think you have been misunderstood in some ways (lesbian not necesarily hate men, or the other way round; same with men/women). Besides, it gives the impression that you hate lesbians or are afraid of them. And i know it's not true.

    And as far as I'm concerned, I've been unlucky in love, but never thought of becoming a lesbian. It's not an illness, not in the genes either, it's only their sexual option. Worthy of the same respect as hetero.

    So please don't get me wrong, but I'm really looking forward to read your next post.

  12. jeez, lighten up everyone. The starting joke is fine and as I am one (hello, I am Juan, aha, I am Juan too....oh, never mind!) I get the say so. I'm sure we would rather be got off on than hated. Tom, enjoy and delight in your new friendship with this beautiful person x

  13. Well, thank you all for your comments. This post has turned into a right bunch of laughs hasn't it.
    Welcome to my blog Ruby, if you have been here before I'm glad I managed to get you to comment - and thank you for sort of backing up my point. If there was not an issue here about lesbianism then we would be able to make as many jokes about it as we like - and that's how it should be. I see it the same way as I see some aspects of some religions - the fact that they can't take a joke kinda just proves they are up their own arseholes.
    OK, I'm a normal (ish) guy, but I have to take a lot of flak, mostly from my kids who spare me no mercy whatsoever, but if I see myself taking it personally then I know I have a problem.

    Fathorse - I love your name. Not sure if you can become 'gay' or whether you are just born that way. Maybe nowadays, with things in the west being a lot more liberal in these areas all sorts of stuff kicks off that wouldn't happen in a society with a tightly controlled moral code. Interesting stuff eh!

    Leni, I agree with you. This has been a tough post - not a bundle of laughs which actually is a much better option for readership volume. But once I saw the way it was going I felt compelled to see it through. There are things that don't get said because society can't quite deal with them yet, and I sometimes can't stop myself from going to these places. Society is in denial about a lot of stuff - it annoys me.

    Ruby - Thanks for baling me out here - I'll give it a day or two more and then I'll write a flippant piece about supermarket trolleys with stuck wheels or some other such worthy subject.

  14. Sheesh, it seems we're not the only one's showing you no mercy.
    Tell a harmless anicdote about a couple of lesbians you once met, and suddenly you hate all lesbians. Hey, why don't we just say it? He's clearly a woman-hater, full-stop.
    For the record, I enjoyed it... unless that makes me a bigot, in which case I think this kind of carry on is disgraceful... And don't you dare start on the shopping trolleys, they have rights you know!

  15. Anonymous27/1/08 07:29

    I sure think there are lotsa people who are born gay or whatever (I'm not sure that people are BORN gay, but by the time you're relatively old if you still don't get what the fuss is about willies I don't think any amount of reflection is going to change it, if you know what I mean)(I'm bisexual and just grew up assuming that everyone else found girls pretty hot too, so whats the big deal?) but I also know for a fact that lesbianism, and bisexuality IN PARTICULAR, has become something of a fad. I think it's linked to being cool and experimental and open to experiences, and all that kinda silliness. Loads of my teenage friends claim to be gay/bi just 'cause they've got off with a coupla girls. They soon grow out of it.

    Not to say, of course, that all Lesbians are posers. Far from it. But I really do think that alot of them (esp. the crazy-ass militant-feminist ones) just go for girls because they're less scary/smelly than guys. If they met a really nice guy who totally 'got' them, they'd go get married in a flash.

    this makes me sound really mean and bitchy. Pish, i say. They can do whatever/whoever they want so long as they leave me out of their politics ;D

  16. What is it exactly that society is 'in denial' about...? Surely not that militant lesbians are a drag and feminists have no sense of humour? I thought that was conventional wisdom.

  17. I think I need to refine my earlier comment: were I to openly flirt, pet or have someone sit on my lap for the duration of a fag break while indulging in some serious flirting I would probably end up in front of a tribunal. Not so where I am at the moment and I've never some across anything like it before. It really is a very uneasy atmosphere.

  18. richard, are you a bus driver then? tee hee...sorry - I can't resist this. You work in a wholefood coop? You're a nurse? (loads of em there!) Perhaps you work in one of those leftie book shops that play opera all the time and sell really pricey coffee? You can't MOVE for them in those places. Do tell...

  19. One thing you have to understand about lesbians is that they can take a licking and keep on ticking......

  20. Well, I'm glad I persevered with this post - it's turned out to be quite interesting.

    Henry - on your advise I will take it easy on the shopping trolley post, in fact maybe I should avoid the subject altogether.

    Fathorse - I'm kind of agreeing with you there when you say it's a bit of a trend. And yeah, whatever as long as it doesn't bug me.

    Erica - society is in denial when it tries to cover stuff up instead of admitting it. Like Gays are real! or on a more mundane level, we have a drug problem in the UK, or men still rule the western world but pretend it's all equal, or my favourite one, horses are spiritual beings!

    Richard - I understood your comment, but your follow up makes it even more clear. So are you gonna answer Rubies question? we're all dying to know!

    Ruby - I agree with you on this one. One day it will be all sorted, and we will be able to laugh about it. I mean people take the piss out of how I look, and i don't give a fuck, so it's got to be ok for me to laugh at girls in overalls with men's haircuts, surely.

    Michael - thanks for that mate, not sure which way to take it - it works in several ways doesn't it. You're a brave man, but you never know, it might fire up another 20 comments. I've ended up enjoying this post, and I thought it was going to bomb after getting no response for days.

  21. All of the Lebanese gals that I have met were absolutely intoxicating and rightly so, Beirut was the Paris of the Middle East.

    I actually have plenty of Lesbians in my family thankyouverymuch and they have always made the Holidays far more interesting. As a staunch Darwinian I am well entrenched in the genetic camp.

    btw when I was a commercial real estate agent I relocated our cities only Lesbian club and had the time of my life! Super fun. They made so many jokes about me it was long as people are comfortable in their own skin I usually won't freak out.

    Great story about the good old days.

  22. Thank you Homo, is it ok to call you that for short, for rounding this post off very nicely. very well said!

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