Don't get me wrong, I actually like lesbians, I've got loads of pictures of them upstairs (ok, I borrowed that joke from my friend, it's funny isn't it!).
Now the thing is for most of my life I have lived out in the country. While I am looking at the flowers in the hedgerows, all sorts of important modern cultural developments completely pass me by. For example, I remember the exact moment when I realised that Mr Plod wasn't just a really nice chap who was there to keep me safe from baddies and tell me the way to some place when I'm lost. One day the plods came round to our place searching for drugs, ransacked the whole house and generally tried to drive us out of town - I know I was only a kid but I was truly shocked - I was and still am sooooooo naive about stuff like that.
Anyway, back to the lesbians. I was in love with a girl who was an art student in Bath and, desperate to see her, I was hitching a ride to the westcountry. This big old Transit van pulled up, the passenger door opened, a girl got out and I jumped in the back. The floor in the back of the van was covered with mattresses and there was a young kid in there, so I just started talking to her about her toys and it all seemed fine. Then I started to listen to the conversation that was going on up front - my oh my, I'd never heard anything like it before in my life. These two girls so hated men it wasn't true. I started to realise that the way that I viewed girls was just so completely BAD I was gonna be lucky to get out of this van alive.
And then they started to grill me, and I was so scared... I tried my best to let them know that first and foremost I viewed everyone as a human being, but they seemed to just know, and proceed to tell me, that the way I was looking at women was politically totally unacceptable. Oh my, oh my, I was in the shit, trapped in the back of van and being terrorised by two extremely militant man-hating lesbians.
Well, I am quite lucky in a way, in that I am quite good at smarming my way out of difficult situations, and after a while I managed to charm my way into their well buried hearts. They pulled over in this big layby and let me go. There was a little van there selling refreshments so I got myself a coffee, sat down under a tree, got my tobacco out and had a smoke. A few minutes later I was ready to face the world again. Phew, that was close!!!!
6 days ago