Today I was about to go outside to start my jobs when I realised I needed a pee. I had already laced up my boots so I thought rather than take them off or risk being caught walking through the house with them on, I'd take a pee in the yard. I have this little spot where I generally pee, it's round the back of a shed and the view from there across the valley is quite inspiring first thing in the morning. Of course the price you pay for a view is the wind and boy do we catch it up here. I actually really like the wind - it keeps people away from the place which suits me cos I hate people (most of them, not you obviously).
So anyway, I take a look at the view, and got ready to take my pee. Then without so much as a thought, I turned a 180 to get the wind onto my back. Nothing is a substitute for years of experience and the satisfaction of seeing your pee streaming out in front of you can only fill you with gratitude. Wisdom my friends comes with age but only if you want it.
So there you are, the secret of my success is out. Feel free to share the simple pleasure that comes from observing the one simple rule of life. Don't piss into the wind.
So anyway, I take a look at the view, and got ready to take my pee. Then without so much as a thought, I turned a 180 to get the wind onto my back. Nothing is a substitute for years of experience and the satisfaction of seeing your pee streaming out in front of you can only fill you with gratitude. Wisdom my friends comes with age but only if you want it.
So there you are, the secret of my success is out. Feel free to share the simple pleasure that comes from observing the one simple rule of life. Don't piss into the wind.
For once, relative good taste has prevailed and you have chosen to depict the view rather than the act described (described somewhat unnecessarily, in my view).
ReplyDeleteForgive my candour, but my recollection of your family motto is "Here comes Tom, let's get the fuck out of here."
Men.
ReplyDeleteMale urine is good for the compost, apparently. That's my excuse for open air relief, anyway.
ReplyDeleteI don't know Vicus, I try to raise the tone by writing a serious post about an important philosophical approach to life and you piss it all down the drain with a cheap throwaway remark.
ReplyDeleteBut great and powerful minds do think alike re the photo - alas my lack of creative skills combined with my huge member didn't allow me to take the one I really wanted.
Pamela. Is that a request? How many would you like? The North Devon synchronised pissing team are booked solidly (excuse the inappropriate description) for several months, but if you are not too fussy (and the fact that you post here gives some indication as to the answer to that question) perhaps something could be arranged.
ReplyDeleteActually Vicus, this might be working out quite well. I've just seen we can get discount fares if we send a quantity of men all to one address.
ReplyDeleteSo come on Pammy babe, how many and then I can make the booking.
The 180 degree movement sounds balletic, Tom.
ReplyDeleteCould you do it during the Nutcracker Suite?
I'll take a bakers dozen, if you please.
ReplyDeleteAnd if you don't please, I'll send them packing.
How do you propose we ladies deal with the problem?
ReplyDeleteSomehow I don't think that ignoring them will do the trick. They'll just come up with something more spectacularly strange.
ReplyDeleteWhy not pee in the wind?
ReplyDeleteNothing like watching, remembering a nice amber stream of liquid flowing freely in slow motion in the breeze.
Ahhh, to be a man.
The pee would most definitely hit my leg. And...that's...just GROSS!
Just say thanks, ladies
ReplyDeleteReluctant as I am to endorse any products it does look as though Vicus has found the answer for the ladies here. For a second I tried to imagine what it was like, but then I carried on eating my toast.
ReplyDeleteGeoff - the 180 is done with little or no style. It is more of an unbalanced shuffle.
Pammy - you must have one hell of a list there babe, if you need a bakers dozen.
Sharon - see Vicus's comment for the complete solution.
Awaiting - how long since you took a 'back to nature'. A bit of wind babe, and it can all go very horribly wrong. When I was a kid we used to see how high we could get to pee off stuff. The best was off a railway viaduct, but it got pretty messy if we had to run cos a train was coming. The best pee I ever had was on acid in 1969, I was high as a kite that day - golden rivers or what, and it sure went on a long time, I thought my whole body was gonna disappear in a stream of piss. That LSD could be mighty worrying at times.
Can I be Number 13? I feel I have something to learn, having pissed into the wind for most of my adult life...
ReplyDeleteThere's a Jerry Jeff Walker song called Pissing in the Wind. I'd suggest it as a team chant, but Vicus would probably grumble.
Thank you Mark for finally bringing this thread back to what it was supposed to be - a serious discussion about a philosophy of life. And yes, you are down as number 13 - times and dates of flights to Seattle will be sorted soon.
ReplyDeleteTom. Sincere thanks for the reminder about the serious nature of this thread. I was on the verge of suspecting that it was just the usual load of bollocks.
ReplyDeleteVicus, you cheeky fucker. I have strived relentlessly against all the odds to maintain a worthy journal that would in some way help mankind on his journey towards liberation.
ReplyDeleteAnd what help do I get - just a load of grief and cheap smutty jibes from all around me.
Long live her majesty and all who sail in her.
lsd? Never done anything other than smoked some marijauna twice. The first time, I thought the bags on a neighbors porch were people watching me and my throat was so dry, I couldn't swallow.
ReplyDeleteThe second time, a trip to New Orleans gone wrong. I seriously thought my cousins were going to rape and kill me. Made them stop at a rest and I called 911. I vowed never again. I'm already paranoid enough!
How about a worst pee? What was your worst?
ReplyDeleteMine was walking home from school one day with my best girlfriend and she made me laugh so hard, I peed my panties (knickers) right there on the street. Thank God I had on a mini skirt and not pants. I was undercover so to speak.
Now I am considering the absolute beauty of going "commando" in a kilt
ReplyDeleteMark, I'll leave the light on for you.
ReplyDeleteHere in Canada, the menfolk pee their names into the snow.
ReplyDeleteIn many parts of Canada it is in somebody else's handwriting as well.
ReplyDeleteWhat happened to the ancient English art of going out onto a freshly mown green and pissing on 11 Australians?
Oh purrrlease, Murph. I thought we'd managed a whole string without mentioning the cricket. You'll confuse Pam.
ReplyDeleteAnd by the way, I have absolute faith. They'll restore Monty to the team, some rain will come along and mess up the Australians' dastardly plans, and Freddie will do some heroic bowling. Or batting. I can never remember which.
Cricket. Aren't those the bugs that make a lot of noise and eat your crops?
ReplyDeletepissing in the wind is a luxury round here at the mo!
ReplyDeleteTom, how is it that I have not inherited your ability not to piss into the wind? Something has gone very wrong because I have spent a great deal of my life doing just that. I suspect that you too have had the odd piss into the wind and have learned not to do so only through the lessons of long experience.... at least that's what I'm hoping. Finally got round to posting a comment..... oh fuck the cricket's grim isn't it? We're done for!
ReplyDeleteAh Kropotkin, how nice to hear from you. I have to say that I still piss into the wind on a regular basis - I think it is part of the human condition.
ReplyDeleteNow you are here maybe we can get this debate to go somewhere sensible. For most of my life I have been wondering about the best course of action - is better to work on not pissing into the wind, or learning how to deal with pissing into the wind.
I have pretty much chosen the latter path mainly so I can get up in the morning and make no effort whatsoever, and then spend my day being philosophical about whatever events unfold around me.
Have to say I'm not sure what recognisable part of me would be left if I entirely stopped pissing into the wind.... It is my considered opinion...well I've just thought of it now... that the whole turn-your-back-on-reality and keep your faith in whatever it may be - otherwise known as pissing in the wind - is essential to great stories and meaningful lives alike.
ReplyDeleteKropotkin, Can I say what an inspiration your spontaneous philosophical theories are to me. This is pissing into the wind on a grand scale and, as your father, your ability to do this fills me with pride and great joy.
ReplyDeleteI think you could be onto something here with the thought that actually 'not pissing into the wind' is no more than a fanciful imagination. Should this be true then suddenly my life becomes a lot more meaningful, which is no doubt why I am so attracted towards this point of view.
Hey everybody! Tom has found a friend willing to engage in dialogue!
ReplyDeleteBloody amazing what you can find on the internet.
Ok, Tom....here it is December 2, 2006. Time to give us something.
ReplyDeleteCome on, just a little. We promise not to be ungrateful.
Now post darnnit. Or I will be forced to walk my butt across the OCEAN (yep, I got it like that) and kick your tail into gear!
Oh, I'm very late here. The late Alex Harvey used to say "Don't pish in the water supply" which is something I think we all ought to heed. Is it not. He also sang "Ain't nothing like a gang bang to blow away the blues" so the choice is yours.
ReplyDelete